I guess it was bound to happen, and I guess putting it off doesn’t help much, BUT I’M PISSED! I’m not going to apologize for it because I think it’s a natural, eventual and honest feeling. I’m not proud of it in any way. I wish I could be one of those gracious heroines on TV or in the movies, but that ain’t me, and it ain’t gonna happen. I’ve said it before and I’ll most probably say it again: Cancer sucks.

From the Woe is Me file: I’m supposed to be on Willow in Hawaii right now, bucket listing warm water outrigger paddling. I’m supposed to be figuring out the next leg of my voyaging, most likely the South Pacific. I’m supposed to be sitting on the shoreline next to a camp fire and contemplating the constellations. I’m supposed to be continuing the simple life I chose many, many years ago. Instead, I’m trying to figure out how to stream in to a TV through my computer and taking pain pills. Not very simplistic, and I find this modern, ‘convenient’ life oh, so boring. A machine washes dishes for you, a machine washes your clothes for you, a machine dries your hair for you, a TV entertains you or conversely, puts you to sleep. UGH! (Boy, am I ranting now!) I feel stuck to this (wonderful) apartment, and don’t even want to go check on Willow because it makes me sad thinking of where I would be right now. I’ve been back from Mexico for a year at this point, and what a year it’s been. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M SO PISSED!!

I’m sitting here after my morning coffee with tears running down my cheeks feeling pretty dang sorry for myself. I don’t like it very much, but I think it’s all part of it. Life gets in the way of the best made plans. I’ve found I need to wade through this muck and get through to the other side in order to find any peace. The frustrating part is the peace is segmented and full of speed bumps. Deep breath. It’ll be much easier to gain insight from all of this once I’m past it. I can do this. I’ve done so many amazing things in my life, there’s no reason I can’t do this. This is, actually, a pretty amazing thing to go through, in so many different ways. Deep breath.

I’m gonna go wash my face, take my clothes out of the dryer, empty the dishwasher and plan my day. I have this day to have. That’s nothing to be pissed off about, and is something to be pretty dang thankful for. I have all of my family and friends to help me, support me, and make me laugh. It’s time to move on to the next speed bump and greet this world. I can do this. Deep breath.

I love you all…