I’m sitting aboard Willow, feet up, computer on my lap, cannula prongs making my nose itch, and I wonder what to write. With this blogging stuff, sometimes it’s difficult to figure out. You may become inspired, but in my case, it’s usually at the wrong time when I’m doing something else, and then I forget the inspiring theme. I look to my friends’ blogs, usually voyaging themed, and find I lose myself for hours imagining the places they’ve been and things and people they’ve seen. I’d counter with a similar type entry, detailing my latest passage, repair, or cat-wrangling story. No more passage-making or repairs, and the cats are enjoying the leisure life at Mom’s.
The last week or two have been very difficult for me. I really thought about not writing about it, but then I figured, what the hell? I’ve read about so and so’s courageous battle or graceful journey against or through cancer. I absolutely cannot speak for anyone else, but I see nothing courageous or graceful about it. Cancer absolutely sucks. I am scared spitless (insert sound alike word here) of what the future holds. I have had so much trouble breathing, and it wasn’t really bad, that when it does get bad, what is THAT gonna be like? I have termed it the ‘drowning fish’ and I want no part of it. The body part affected most right now are my lungs, which I use only about 5-6 thousand times a day. Now that use is very conscious to me. When it’s a bad breathing day, I am aware of the effort for every single breath. Put a cold on top of that, and it’s downright exhausting. Last week, I caught a cold, and was laid flat. Tired, with nothing else on the list but taking the next rattling breath, I found myself in quite a rut. Family and friends reached out, but I just couldn’t grab their hands. Fully aware that I need to take those hands, I continued denying their reach.
Friday, I finally went out and met with Mom. She needed some cooking items, so we went out looking for them. It was good to be out and about. Saturday, Missy and Andrew had me up for dinner. After a great meal, it was good visiting and talking with them. They both came down to Willow Sunday morning to help with some chores. That afternoon, Sally drove down from Ventura to visit, and it was GOOD. We spent the afternoon at Aliso Creek Beach, sitting in the sun, enjoying a shaved ice, and walking slowly on the beach and walkway. It was so good for me to get out amongst the living; watching small toddlers chasing seagulls and pigeons, listening to the screams as swimmers jumped in the very short, steep, and cold waves, seeing whales blow offshore and watching boats and paddlers make their way along the coast. Life goes on, and always will. My little stay here is just a tiny blip, but what a stay it’s been!
I’m getting out of the rut with help and moving on to whatever’s next. This morning I woke up to a bright and shiny new day, and it’s good. I can’t deny it, and frankly don’t want to. I’ll go out and do something, anything, to take advantage of the day. I’ll put off the drowning fish to another time, and be grateful for what I’m doing now. I think for me, at this exact point, today is what matters right now. Think I’ll grab it.
Never forget how much I love you all.